1/365

This is late but I am not going to let my slackness ruin a Great idea.

Love these shoes. They remind me of my own shoes when I was a little girl. I loved them until I realised that older girls did not wear tennis shoes with the bumper on the front.

I wanted to grow up so fast. And now. I want to slow time down and feel younger.

X

New Post

So I am not funny. And I'm hormonal. And I think my family can find this blog. So now I am skeered. Gah.

My husband had the day off and he worked in our garden (that is a back yard in American, y'all) and took our empty, dirty, sucky water feature (again translate: pond in American) and took it from a hideous eyesore

To this in one morning! Love him! xxxxxxx honey!

Friends with Benefits

Why do we love facebook? When I got started on facebook, it seemed to take forever to build up friends and I felt like everyone had more friends than I did and it sort of became high school all over again. I am up to a respectable number of friends now, but sister, you better believe I check my friend count against my frenemies and some of you people I friended, you are just there for the numbers. The main reason I rarely write much here is because every time I think about something to write about, I shudder at the thought someone from my family may see it. For instance, right now, the front bathroom is clogged and I had to do unspeakable things to destroy the evidence ithat I messed it up and I am just waiting for my husband to go in there and think he did it and make everything right again with the world. Carry on. Sorry. So anyway, Facebook. My friends on facebook are my offline friends, school friends, work friends, family, etc. I recently friended a blog friend on facebook and then a few more and suddenly, I feel like my worlds have once again - collided. Especially because yesterday, Adam from Avitable friended me! I'm like Sally Field at the Oscars! Me! He Friended Me! I am one of the cool kids!!!!!! But now, I am freaking out. I mean, can my regular friends see my comments on Adam's facebook message because he makes me curse and say very inappropriate things and my MOM is on facebook. My current status is a teeny bit worried about my status.

New Post

This a New Post. This is what a New Post looks like. There are words and occasional punctuation and perhaps an mini ALL CAPS RANT about things like DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND HOW YOU ARE SURE YOU ARE GOING TO CRASH AT ANY MOMENT! Ok done with that nonsense, really, whew.

I have not written anything in so long that I don't even remember what my last post was about and I am too lazy to go and check and I will probably just cringe when I read it and want to delete it so what would be the point of that?

I can't stay long, sorry, I know I just got here but George, the hound dog who is obviously the boss of me is whining for her supper and she will expire in a heap on the living room floor if she is not fed at 5pm exactly.

Will be back soon.

.....

I know right?

I don't even believe me!

S

I'm Late, I'm Late

And no I am not pregnant.

I am just so rushed off my feet I have had no time to write. Actually, I have had no time to write anything that is not craptacularly bad. And all my favorite writers are posting such lovely things I just read those and think I do not have the right to call this tiny shred of the blog world mine.

Then I attended #HomeHer10 and laughed and laughed.

Thank you so much BackPackingDad for such a great idea.

I recently moved from South Carolina to Gloucestershire in the UK and I was sad there was no way I was attending BlogHer. I thought I would go when they announced it was NYC, as that is my old stomping ground, but I am so happy here with my family and I so glad we made the move.

Anyway, to anyone who started to follow me on Twitter, I thought I should suck it up and post something new, even if it is less than literary.

Less than Literary, hmmm now that is a blog name!

brb

Church and State

So I have been thinking about separation lately.

I have a blog, obviously, here we are. I make no effort to publicize this, again obviously, here we are again. I had a chance, a while back, to have a link back from a very, very big blog, that would have increased traffic and given me a chance to have actual readers. In a brief chat with the blogger in question, I opted not to go ahead, mainly because I was not ready and did not feel like what I wrote was good enough. I still don't.

Then I started a Twitter account and things began to get blurry. A friend started following me on Twitter and while he is a one of the "cool kids" from my life, I realized that if I had everyone I know following me on Twitter, then they would see my blog and honestly, I am not ready for those worlds to collide. I will most likely never want that.

I have been researching work things for my new business, and following lots of non profits and related stuff on Twitter, and things are now complicated. So I was thinking of splitting myself up into two Twitters accounts maybe even a work blog and this one.

Is that possible? Is that truthful?

hmmmm.

Tasting Stars

"Come quickly, I am tasting stars." Dom Perignon.

I read this today and it made me smile and remember my first taste of really good champagne.

I don't celebrate life enough and I worry way to much. Things are good. Things are not bad. I am lucky in so many ways and I wish I could go back and "unworry" about so many things.

Our belongings are now being prepped for transit to England and while the charge to get everything there is horrendous, we will never, ever move it back across the pond since we plan to grow old in Europe somewhere.

I can see the end of this time alone in South Carolina, waiting for Visas and Dog vaccinations and I can't wait to be in England with my family.

So for today, no worries and I just might pick up a tiny split of champagne, just for me tonight. I will sit out in the warm evening with my two puppies and toast the fact that all is pretty damn ok in the Perkup Household!

I need a Raincoat in my Crowded House of Doom!

I am burning my cds to my laptop because while I like to think I am hip, I am not.

I am 10 years behind everyone else in this whole Ipod thing and while I own one, I rarely can find it, let alone put songs on it.

It is Saturday and since P is already in England moving into our new house, I get to sit here in South Carolina alone with nothing to do but wait for my nephew to finish taking his SAT.

Since we are moving to England in a few weeks, I only have a small cd holder here with a few of my favorites so I decided to burn them onto my laptop to get rid of the cds. Here is what I learned about myself.....

The 80's and 90's was depressing for me musically and boy does your music say a lot about how OLD I am.

Counting Crows - August & Everything After is amazing, but please hand me your rusty razorblade, Adam Duritz (my soulmate when I was 30).

Crowded House: Crowded House - A bit farther back for me, to the college years and again, teeny tiny bit of a downer.... Are we sensing a theme?

The Connells: Ring - A North Carolina Band I loved and must have seen live a jillion times in Columbia, SC at the amazing Rockefella's in Five Points. Angsty College Rock and my assymetrical bob haircut and double pierced ears!

Better Than Ezra: Deluxe - Loved them in the '90's and this CD is still fantastic Again, young love, death and sadness were with me on my walkman as I trotted around midtown in my nikes, heading to work with the 10 million other drones in Jones New York suits and Hanes Sheer pantyhose.

The Black Crowes: Amorica - Here is where I get into my Bad Boy Phase. I saw Chris Robinson once in NYC at a small venue where some friends were playing. He was dressed in black like he needed to accentuate just how freaking skinny he was. I could have snapped him like a twig while gazing into his eyes which appeared to be located on two different parts of his face. Just say No, kids.

And that is it all I have here in my pleather cd case. A few other albums by one of those above but boy do I love me some '90s alternative Rock. They really got me you know? Like they were singing to me, directly? And knew me down deep, to my soul? Where is VH1's Back to Music when you need it?????

New Post... Edit Html Compose Preview

I am sitting here in a tiny bedroom (that is not that tiny, really) on a single bed, with a dog on my feet, and dirt all over the covers, since I can't keep the dogs off of here. I don't have a couch (we do but it is in storage) just this one bed and two dog crates, which are really useless because I am a sucker and won't make them sleep in them.

We have chosen a rental house in Gloucestershire and P should be able to move in next Saturday. He will be in just about as bad a shape as me in terms of having no stuff but guys tend to rough it better.

I wish I could just be there, but my paperwork still has to go through and the dogs are not cleared for takeoff until April.

The house in Gloucestershire is a small bungalow, but it ticked quite a few boxes for us: It had a garage to hold all our boxes. It is a 6 month lease which will turn into a month to month lease we can leave with just a month's notice. That way we can look together when we are both over there and if we have the money, buy something.

Change is good. and I am ready for more!

It's a B*tch

I think I have bad Karma.

I don't even want to have a glass of wine and relax.

I know things will get better and I know that my problems are tiny, compared to others.

I am not a religous person and hope that does not come back to bite me later at the pearly gates.

Maybe I will open that bottle of wine since the movers are coming any minute (figuratively speaking) and I have no idea how that is going to go and what it is going to cost.

I do know that I sometimes say and do the wrong thing and I have to pay for those mistakes, one of which is due to be paid in full, today.

In Transition

We accepted an offer on our house.

We close on February 3rd.

The movers start packing everything up for an ocean voyage on January 28th.

My husband flies to England without me on February 6th.

I have to stay here in a rented house with two dogs and no furniture for two months.

I am still trying to do three jobs, one of which is on the other side of the world.

I will be back here later - with wine.

S

Why I am not here.

I seriously suck at this. Like the giant spider that sucks your brain out of your head when you are in the throes of torment by your older sister.

I think I can write. I love to read and I know when I am reading well written work. I also know when I am reading crap and I wonder, how do these people earn a Robin Leach Style Fantastic Living at this? Why not me??? I don't even have to time to write crap. (Please see exhibit A below)

Right now, instead of being here, I should be working on the following tasks:

1) My real job. The job that is not something that inspires me or excites me or challenges me in any way, but it is much needed income right now.

2) My volunteer job. This job I took on to stay in my "real" profession, which is non profit consulting. It was a simple job and it seemed like it would not take up too much time. And it hasn't actually, but there is a danger that the project will fail if I do not step up and produce something soon.

3) My new job. I have a chance to jump in and start my own consulting business. This is amazing and what I want and what I plan to do full time in about 6 months. I had planned to leave my current job and then take up the new consulting gig almost immediately after that, counting on savings and the money fairy to get us through any lag time in income. Now, I have the chance to overlap and start consulting early, so that there will be no lag time. On paper, this is great. In real life, my head has just exploded. Here is why: or List of Reasons Why I am DOOMED!

A) My new life that is starting in 6 months requires me to move to another Country on another Continent.

B) We need to sell our house before we can do that

C) We need to file a million pieces of paper before we can do that

D) Above mentioned pieces of paper cost eleventy billion dollars to file

E) The other country is 5 hours ahead of where I am now, resulting in 5am conference calls every week!

I know that I have no real problems compared to others, but if I can't complain here, on my own space, why did I create it?

Done whining. Back to work.

Lather, Rinse aaaannnddd Repeat

I failed again.

already.

NaBlowmeFuckingPo.

Mo, Ho.*

I just can't do this writing every day thing. Honestly, I am lucky if I can get 15 minutes alone to myself to read my favorite blogs in the first place. Then I think Why bother? I will never be anywhere half as good as these guys, and no one will read me and if they, do they will JUDGE me and LAUGH at me and I somehow know they are JUDGING and LAUGHING and all that self flagellation really hurts man.

5 minute time out. check.

Heath Bar. check.

OK. better now. Just still not very good or very funny.

sigh.


* I may have stolen this idea from Mrs. Chicken, but man I feel it.

NaMoFailBloPo

So I already failed. The first of November was a Sunday and I was completely not prepared.

I am going to start now. and hope I can do it!

Gah.

This is probably going to be a month of crappy posts but I am going to give it a shot!

S

Tubular Bells!

So, Tube Tops are the worst idea and yet always seem to be a local fashion do! All year round! At least in these parts of Podunk, South Carolina.

Someone recently sent me a link to the amazing train wreck that is www.peopleofwalmart.com and I have been transfixed. My eyes! My eyes! Someone get me a fork so I may gouge them out before I see one more back bo*b being strangled by a shredded tied up tshirt, with that lovely Rollings Stones tongue on the front. Never in a million years would I ever leave the house again if I sported any of the looks that are apparently Walmart Appropriate Attire.

Now, however, I must make my Tube Top Confession. Let us pray.

I recently bought what I thought was a long Maxi skirt (notatwalmart - it was Tarjet), that in actuality was a Maxi dress. A Tube Tob Maxi dress and the only way I could wear it arond the house without tripping all over myself was to hoik it up over my bo*bs and wear it as a tube top! And no pictures will ever be forthcoming thankyouverymuch. And also obviously I would never leave the house in it or wear it in front of anyone other than my two dogs, George and Molly, who I really think are way to judgemental about my fashion choices as it is. Stop staring. And Drooling. And shedding on the bed while you are at it. Gah.

Just because I live in the middle of nowhere, South Carolina does not mean I am doomed to become a tube top wearing, walmart shopping person with an ankle monitor as a fashion statement!

C'était bon

So I was a ballet dancer my entire young life. Started at 5 (I was preshus, let me assure you) and kept going until 21 or 22, when my knees gave out and real life kicked in and I had to like, earn a living.

Ballet is based in French and very often, taught in French, so obviously, I took French in High School and College, because I had a head start, right? Oui.

My teacher in High School was Mrs. Matthews. She was fun and great and we conjugated every er verb and ir verg and re verb under the damn soleil. When I went to college, thanks to Mrs. Matthews, I skipped French 101 and 102 and went straight to Second Year French with Monsieur Ponsard, who was actually French, OMG. Monsier Ponsard would have been suave and sexy, but he was actually a little weird and creepy and I do not remember a thing from that class besides saying anything harder than "Quel est votre nom?" and "Je suis à la bibliothèque." was just too much for my usually très hungover and overwhelmed with life and college and boys brain.

Still, I did fine and moved on with my life and even went to France with a boyfriend years later and did not completely embarress myself (with my language skills - the destination wedding and bouquet toss - totally another story.) I ordered food in fancy French restaurants and read street signs and was not one of those horrible American tourists who do not say hello and thank you to shopkeepers.

I did get a terrible stomachache after eating way too much brie and bread one afternoon, but I was in Provence and I was going to live the dream! So I sat in the sun and read poetry and ate cheese and bread and drank wine while my boyfriend whined about Real Food and Stinky Cheese and totally ruined the experience, which is why I dumped him and married someone else. Ha!

Anyway, back home to New York I flew, where late one summer evening, I walked into a deli for a sandwich before heading back to the office to lick more envelopes and stamps because the life of a party planner is ultra glamorous, non? The place was quiet and there was a little old lady standing at the counter, trying to make the greasy deli dude (We'll call him Eddie) understand her. Eddie just stood there, arms folded across his ample stomach, shaking his head. "Lady, I can't understand you." This is America, for cryin' out loud." Now, this dude was an American, born and raised on the South Side of Somewhere and he was being a complete Yankee jerk.

I walked forward to better eavesdrop, I mean help her out, and finally heard her tiny feeble French voice. "Jambon!" she whispered, cowed by his brutish lowered brow as she pointed at the Boars Head Section. "Show her the ham." I told Eddie. He looked at me and scowled like I was making him look stupid. No help from me needed there. heh. "Pick up. The ham. And show it to her." I said in my party planner bossy voice I use when waiters at the Waldorf start slowing down after the entree course is on the table and the patrons actually request stupid things like wine and water and stuff. Stupid Union Waldorf Waiters.

Eddie sighed and leaned down into the display case and picked up the ham and lifted it gently out of the case like it was his first born son, swaddled in slimy brown sugar and preservatives. A smile lit up her tiny wrinkled face and I was so proud. A few more sentences fairly flew between us (Not Eddie mind you, he was sulking the whole time and I know he put his thumb in my tuna salad) involving bread choices and cheese and my Little Old French Lady Friend and I walked out with our sandwiches into the warm summer night. I have no idea what she was jabbering on about at the end, but I knew I had done a good thing.

C'était bon.

Post Ideas

I am going to type here, all of the ideas I have had recently, about funny true stories to put here as posts.

My life has been and continues to be.... Hilarous. You didn't know? Why not? Hilarious I tell you. Just you wait interwebz!!!!!

In no order other than my chaotic brain:

1. Helping that old french lady order a ham sandwich in NYC (Thank you Monsiuer Ponsard!)
2. Tube tops ( I forget why but who can't write something funny about Tube Tops in South Carolina?)
3. The first time I sat next to Nurse Lillian from Guiding Light at a Fancy Ladies Luncheon
4. The spider the size of a bleeping bull frog I just found in my bushes in the front yard
5. The fact we are moving across the Atlantic and have to do eleventy billion things first
6. The time my boss fell face first right behind Henry Kissinger at the Waldorf Astoria with two other World Leaders watching
7. The time I carelessly tossed a glass award off the stage at Sinbad's feet, handing him a hilarous opening for his routine, which he used as a thematic devise FOR TWO HOURS!
8. The time I asked Richard Holbrooke for his ID at a Black Tie affair (He was not amused)
9. The time I lost Al Roker between Dinner and Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center (He was not amused)
10. The time I almost forgot to go get Debra Norville. (She was fine!)
11. The time I broke a rule at Rudy's Bar & Grill
12. The Rudy's Rules
13. The time the same boss from #6 freaked out Al Gore and showed Clinton (Bill) her boobs
14. The time I did NOT get a neck hug from OJ Simpson

I think that is enough for now.

Just you wait!

A New Post - And it is not Friday!

I just want to say....................................

I mean, I have been thinking about.............................................

Um. I love you guys??????????

No, really. Really.

I love sitting quietly in a lovely sunny room, laptop in the aforementioned lap, earl grey tea steaming beside me, ginger oaty biscuits on a plate, tippity tappity clicking pearls of wisdom for this lovely bloggy thing.

What the truth is. I am sitting in a grotty office in a warehouse, at a crappy old metal desk hunched over to see my laptop and have not eaten since yesterday. I wish it was sunshine and roses around here, but it is most assuredly not.

Every day I tell myself I am going to get it together and get organized and buy some oaty ginger biscuit and decaf earl gray, but I am lucky my underwear is clean. I never, ever wear matching bras and panties much less a skirt or nice blouse any more. What happened?

I have a lunch meeting on Thursday and I might just break out the power outfits from my NYC corporate consultant days! and wear makeup and straighten my hair. Who am I kidding? No one would recognize me.

Well, I am off to buy some cookies and find my dry cleaning receipt. We shall see if I succeed.

Freaky Friday - and Big News!

How did it get to be Friday again? When the week was so GD Looonnng? I am working with a weirdo that I have decided is a classic undiagnosed Aspergers. He is 50 and should have figured this out himself. Enough said. More later because of course that is NOT enough said but I need to work up to that post.

This post is about our Big News!

We have made the decision and are making the move! Back to England and back to the English side of the family. Hopefully jobs will fall into our laps and a buyer for our house will insist on paying us much more than we paid for it just two short years ago. And a sparklecorn will visit me and bring rainbows and sunshine and vodka martinis to my bedside as I watch TIVOd Young and The Restless episodes! That Victor, he is a scamp!

More alcohol, honey, please.

Labor Day Lazy

I hope everyone had a wonderful long holiday weekend here in the States. I sat on my rear so much today I think I have created a permanet but shaped indentation in my already saggy stinky dog bed and by dog bed I mean couch.

Back to work on Tuesday and the only thing good about this week is it is shorter than last week.

Yay!

S