Post Ideas

I am going to type here, all of the ideas I have had recently, about funny true stories to put here as posts.

My life has been and continues to be.... Hilarous. You didn't know? Why not? Hilarious I tell you. Just you wait interwebz!!!!!

In no order other than my chaotic brain:

1. Helping that old french lady order a ham sandwich in NYC (Thank you Monsiuer Ponsard!)
2. Tube tops ( I forget why but who can't write something funny about Tube Tops in South Carolina?)
3. The first time I sat next to Nurse Lillian from Guiding Light at a Fancy Ladies Luncheon
4. The spider the size of a bleeping bull frog I just found in my bushes in the front yard
5. The fact we are moving across the Atlantic and have to do eleventy billion things first
6. The time my boss fell face first right behind Henry Kissinger at the Waldorf Astoria with two other World Leaders watching
7. The time I carelessly tossed a glass award off the stage at Sinbad's feet, handing him a hilarous opening for his routine, which he used as a thematic devise FOR TWO HOURS!
8. The time I asked Richard Holbrooke for his ID at a Black Tie affair (He was not amused)
9. The time I lost Al Roker between Dinner and Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center (He was not amused)
10. The time I almost forgot to go get Debra Norville. (She was fine!)
11. The time I broke a rule at Rudy's Bar & Grill
12. The Rudy's Rules
13. The time the same boss from #6 freaked out Al Gore and showed Clinton (Bill) her boobs
14. The time I did NOT get a neck hug from OJ Simpson

I think that is enough for now.

Just you wait!

A New Post - And it is not Friday!

I just want to say....................................

I mean, I have been thinking about.............................................

Um. I love you guys??????????

No, really. Really.

I love sitting quietly in a lovely sunny room, laptop in the aforementioned lap, earl grey tea steaming beside me, ginger oaty biscuits on a plate, tippity tappity clicking pearls of wisdom for this lovely bloggy thing.

What the truth is. I am sitting in a grotty office in a warehouse, at a crappy old metal desk hunched over to see my laptop and have not eaten since yesterday. I wish it was sunshine and roses around here, but it is most assuredly not.

Every day I tell myself I am going to get it together and get organized and buy some oaty ginger biscuit and decaf earl gray, but I am lucky my underwear is clean. I never, ever wear matching bras and panties much less a skirt or nice blouse any more. What happened?

I have a lunch meeting on Thursday and I might just break out the power outfits from my NYC corporate consultant days! and wear makeup and straighten my hair. Who am I kidding? No one would recognize me.

Well, I am off to buy some cookies and find my dry cleaning receipt. We shall see if I succeed.

Freaky Friday - and Big News!

How did it get to be Friday again? When the week was so GD Looonnng? I am working with a weirdo that I have decided is a classic undiagnosed Aspergers. He is 50 and should have figured this out himself. Enough said. More later because of course that is NOT enough said but I need to work up to that post.

This post is about our Big News!

We have made the decision and are making the move! Back to England and back to the English side of the family. Hopefully jobs will fall into our laps and a buyer for our house will insist on paying us much more than we paid for it just two short years ago. And a sparklecorn will visit me and bring rainbows and sunshine and vodka martinis to my bedside as I watch TIVOd Young and The Restless episodes! That Victor, he is a scamp!

More alcohol, honey, please.

Labor Day Lazy

I hope everyone had a wonderful long holiday weekend here in the States. I sat on my rear so much today I think I have created a permanet but shaped indentation in my already saggy stinky dog bed and by dog bed I mean couch.

Back to work on Tuesday and the only thing good about this week is it is shorter than last week.

Yay!

S

I need to post more. I need to post more. I need to post more. I need to.. Wait, I've got it! Val Kilmer, Nipples & Pervy Grandmas!

So I always have these great ideas for blog posts. When I'm brushing my teeth or driving or anywhere far, far away from a pencil, paper, or laptop. Like the blog post about that hilarious time I... Wait, no. Nothing.... I suck at this.

I need the little recorder that Michael Keaton had in Night Shift. Something about tuna and mayo already in the can ---- Hilarious. And speaking of Michael Keaton. Mr. Mom was also hilarious. When did he stop being funny? Was he the Batman with nipples on his Batsuit (because that was NOT funny) or was that Val Kilmer with the nipples? I sound like a pervy jewish grandma. That Val Kilmer with the nipples!! Oi!

And speaking of Val Kilmer, I heard the only door he has been opening lately has been the Refrigerator Door. You could always tell he had the Fat Gene. Some men just show early on that they are going look like walruses (walrusi?) when they age. Alec Baldwin - Fat Gene. George Cloony - No Fat Gene. He is sticking right where he is in the weight department (thankyouverymuchGoerge) (P.S.Georgepleasestaysingle). Brad Pitt - Tentatively placed in the Fat Gene Club. Sorry, but I think Mr. Jolie is heading for the Husky department at Gucci. It is something about their necks, although the dude from Boston Legal shocked me when he ended up as the Freaking President of the Fat Gene Club!

Oh God. I need to write the good stuff down. If you see a Hyundai Tuscon swerving all over I-77 in South Carolina - that's me trying desparately put a coherent thought down on a G*# D#@* piece of paper.

Blogher is going to the Big Apple

I have never been to Blogher. I read a lot of blogs by some amazing people that do go and they write posts all about the Sparkles and Love and Girl Power and Unicorns!!! I would love to be able to write half as well as these fly ladies. Just to be able to comment with a clever quip is usually beyond me. I truly don't know if I have what it takes to write well enough for someone else to want to read what I have to say. But practice makes perfect right? My husband says that to me at opportune moments in the Booooodwaaaar but boy am I digressing now.

What I DO know, though, is NEW YORK CITY Baby! I lived and worked and partied like it was 1999 for almost all of my twenties and most of my thirties. I was in fact in freaking Times Square for the Millenium. It does not matter that I was cold and bored and my feet hurt and we ran home and passed out right afterwards because we were exhausted from standing around in our New York Police Department Pen for 8 hours. That is a blog for another day.

In 2004 I married my English studmuffin and hopped across the pond for a while. I was a jetsetter! I wore Prada and "took" meetings in London and New York!!! I rocked the London fundraising world. For about 5 minutes. Then I went home to the deep south for a family visit and something strange happened. I am still not sure but I think my mother may have put something in my vinegar based bbq sauce or sprinkled it on the deep fried turkey but I LOST MY MIND and my husband LOST HIS MIND and joined me on our great Southern Adventure!

So under the influence of some drug or another, we moved to the middle of nowhere in South Carolina and then my husband went to work for his Father-In-Law. Basically this has not been Unicorns and Rainbows and Sunshine. Although it is mother-effing HOT here all the time. He's English, he loves the heat! I grew up here so the Heat for me - Not So Much. I miss New York Winters and London Fog.

I will say that many good things did come from our trek and we know we can survive one of the top marriage deal breakers - the overseas move. I would be the perfect tour guide for New York. Maybe next year I will take the plunge and give Blogher a shot. In the meantime, I will practice my pithy comments.

Past or Presents????

Tomorrow is my 43rd birthday. I feel alternately 14 and 400. I spent over $200 today covering the gray and letting a tiny young blond thing sell me hair products that will keep the gray covered for longer. My list of aches and pains is growing and my list of athletic abilities is diminishing, like the law of returns. Speaking of returns, I need to return the old lady jeans I bought the other day because wtf, "OLD LADY JEANS????" They looked right on the hanger at the bargain store but highwaisted is not even close. I could wade the Rio Grand and keep my belt buckle dry.

I recently missed my 25th High School reunion and I am sad when I see the photos on facebook but my cool years were LONG after 1981-1984. I was way cooler in my thirties hanging out with tv stars and politicians in New York.

I hope I will have another cool period soon. The new hairdo should help!